We are all in a particularly energized, impassioned, and changing time on our planet. Whether we are focused on our global politics, community movements, or family changes - we are all experiencing moments of deep connection. And connection also means at times, we will experience hurt. At In The Works, we know belonging also requires us to be present at times of hurt and having the skills to move forward in repair. When harm happens, it can feel like we have lost everything and it may keep going forever.
Yet, we know for us and those we care about - the harm must end. And we can reflect on the hurts of our past to know it will end, with intention. We also know it only ends with true and authentic amends. Amends is not just apology; though that is the first step. It also requires making sure those most impacted are made whole again. And after that, the behaviors and choices that cause harm are changed, so harm doesn’t happen again. We acknowledge our history, then must take action, internally within our organization, and within every bit of the work we do - to make repair. From this ending. A new beginning can start…
Impact, Amends, and only then, Intentions
So much of group dynamics is about the individual person-to-person interactions that make up our day. And those person-to-person interactions also make up the conflict culture of our institutions. Humans are amazing at having clear intentions, within ourselves, and at times need to take inventory to make sure our intentions are being received as we wish them to be. Often, “stuckness” is about communication of intentions in isolation, when what is needed is also reflection on impacts and amends. Take time to consider: How are impacts, amends, and intentions showing up for our group and work?
Amends reminds us - “We can be whole again” - and we have to take action together to get there. Too often, it is the starting of amends that is a challenge. Whether naming we owe someone amends, or naming that we are hurt and require amends to stay in connection - there is a vulnerability there. And when vulnerability is present, the hurts and experiences of the past can keep us from taking action in the present. Can keep us from taking that first step.
Amends is about trust and (re)building trust anew. And we each have a role in building that trust - whether we are the one giving amends or receiving it.
So from that vulnerability - Where can we begin?
We must start with our role and naming what we have done. Apology & Accountability is the acknowledgement of the harm and naming ourselves n that harm. We have to start from the humility of recognizing ourselves, our actions, and how it impacts others.
We then must work to make it right, if we are able. Atonement lets us name the impacts, identify places to make repair, and move the harmed individual or collective body toward wholeness, if possible. This step is important, even in situations where we cannot return to a previous state of being.
Too often, individuals and institutions stop at apology and never get to Action Adjustment. There can be no amends until action is taken to change the circumstances that allowed the harm in the first place. All involved - those harmed, those who caused harm, and those who witnessed it - need to work to change behaviors and/or systems so the harm doesn’t happen again.
Once the harm has been named, accountability has been centered, atonement has repaired, and action adjustment has made steps to keep it from happening in the future - the seeds of trust have been planted. But only through the Acceptance processes can trust be re-established. Acceptance requires time and practice for all involved to be receptive and act on that change. With those repeated actions we water each other so trust will grow.
Understanding our role in the amends cycle and what skills we need to practice is transformative in our ability to be authentic in our communities, work, and families.